Episode Transcript  

One

Definition of Friendship

One of the most important things to Jesus is friendship. At the Last Supper, He said to the Apostles, “I shall not call you servants any more, because a servant does not know his master's business; I call you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have learnt from my Father.”

Jesus came from heaven to earth to live real, concrete friendship with Mary and Joseph, with the Apostles, with Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, and with many others. This shows us something essential: the way Jesus led people to God was through friendship. But that raises an important question, do we truly understand what friendship is?

Friendship is a bond between two or more people united in pursuing something greater than themselves. C.S. Lewis explains that friendship differs from romantic love because friends stand shoulder to shoulder, pursuing some good thing other than each other.

Friends don’t just want to sit there absorbed in each other, they want to pursue a common goal together and talk about that thing they’re both interested in: whether that is God or physical health, family life, meaningful work, the pursuit of truth, or the appreciation of beauty. You might be running partners or hunting buddies, or colleagues who work on long-term projects together, or you and your spouse work on raising kids together or caring for elderly parents. Friendship develops as you pursue some good thing with another person. That is one of the reasons marriages fail when the kids move out. Their friendship ends because the common goal or mission ended. That’s why, says Lewis, the poor people who “just want to make a friend” never can, because to just be interested in friendship isn’t enough to have friendship.

So, friendship is never just about each other, it’s always about something else.

Two

How to form true friendships 

If friendship is formed by the shared pursuit of some good thing, then I need to be forming myself in good things; otherwise, I have no way to participate and nothing to contribute. If we are going to be running partners, then I need to commit to running. If we’re going to be hunting buddies, then I need to own a gun and know how to shoot well. Otherwise, I have nothing to contribute. 

But first, you must eliminate what kills friendship: unnecessary screen time. If you remove it, boredom will drive you toward real relationships. If you remain absorbed in it, you will forfeit friendship, because screens crowd out the attention and presence that friendship requires. 

Where do we begin? Dedicate yourself to pursuing good things: seek friendship with God in prayer, exercise, and at least take walks, prepare and eat good food, engage in work that is good for other people, and grow in knowledge about God and the good world around us. Experience real beauty through nature, literature, and music.  Commit to learning skills like cooking, home repair (if you can repair anything in my house, we can definitely be friends!), pickleball, reading and discussing good books, or going to concerts. 

Then take the initiative to invite someone or a small group to do this with you. Have good conversation while you are doing these good things together. Good conversation based on good common pursuits is the key to authentic and lasting friendships. Therefore, if I lack deep friendships, the first place to look is not outward but inward and ask myself, “Am I pursuing anything worthy of being shared?”

Three

Spiritual Friendship 

The deepest and most fulfilling friendships are formed when we pursue the highest good together: God, holiness, and the salvation of souls. This is spiritual friendship. What is true of natural friendship is especially true of spiritual friendship: If we are to pursue God together, I must actually be seeking Him, through the sacraments, daily meditation with a concrete resolution, the removal of sinful habits, and growth in virtue within a well-ordered life. Just like if I want to be friends with a runner, I must run. Likewise, if I desire spiritual friendship, I must commit to the practices that open me to God. It really is that simple.

Spiritual friendship does not happen accidentally. It requires initiative. I need to invite someone with whom we can pursue God together. If I wait for someone to invite me, it will likely never happen.

One of the simplest ways to form spiritual friendship is to invite one, two, or three people to pray the Rosary together and then have good conversation afterward. You can use this podcast, print the transcript, and read the meditation together. Or open the Gospel, read a passage from the life of Jesus, pray, and ask, “What struck you?”

That is what Teresa and I do every day, and that is why we have a strong spiritual friendship.

Four

Helping Loved Ones to God 

If you want your loved ones to be deeply committed to God, then you will need to begin with friendship on the natural level. Because friendship is the bridge we build by which we cross over to others and help them cross over to God. That means you must figure out what good human things they will do and then invite them to do it with you. Like a meal, or a concert, or a game, or go for coffee, take a walk, go hunting, or fishing, or shopping. 

Remember that friendship is built by doing good things together, and you gotta talk while you do. I know, having good conversations is not easy, so that is the topic of the next Rosary. Then you have to do these good activities together regularly, habitually, not a one-off and not every six months. We are trying to build a real bridge through friendship. And no matter what, never burn it down.

Five

Joy

Finally, there are two things we need to work on if we want to cultivate the great good of friendship: remove all the annoying things in us. Be joyful. First, think about the traits in others that drain you, frustrate you, or make you avoid them, then remove those from yourself. Common “Friendship Killers” to Eliminate: being overly opinionated, always needing to correct, debate, or prove a point. Talking too much/not listening. Turning every conversation back to yourself. Negativity or constant complaining. Always focusing on what’s wrong, draining the energy out of the room. Being easily offended or defensive. Making others feel like they have to walk on eggshells. Pride, needing to be right. The inability to admit mistakes or receive correction. Flakiness and unreliability, canceling, being late, not following through, this quietly destroys trust.

Self-absorption, lack of curiosity about the other person’s life, struggles, or interests. Judging or subtle superiority, even if unspoken, people feel it immediately. Gossiping - if you talk about others, people assume you’ll talk about them too. Emotional heaviness without responsibility, always bringing problems but never taking steps to grow or change. Control or rigidity, everything has to be your way, your schedule, your preferences.

Practice being joyful. Be glad to be with others. Bring energy, don’t drain it. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Laugh easily. Expressing gratitude openly. Choose to focus on what is good.

If you want great friendships, remove what makes you hard to be around, and cultivate what makes you a joy to be around. Most people think they lack friendships because they haven’t found the right people. But often, they haven’t yet become the kind of person others can easily be friends with.

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