Episode Transcript  

One

Today we celebrate the feast of St. Scholastica, twin sister of St. Benedict.

St. Gregory the Great writes: One day she came as usual, and her saintly brother went with some of his disciples; they spent the whole day praising God and talking of sacred things. As night fell, they had supper together.

Their spiritual conversation went on and the hour grew late. The holy nun said to her brother: “Please do not leave me tonight; let us go on until morning talking about the delights of the spiritual life.” “Sister,” he replied, “what are you saying? I simply cannot stay outside my monastery.”

When she heard her brother refuse her request, the holy woman joined her hands on the table, laid her head on them and began to pray. As she raised her head from the table, there were such brilliant flashes of lightning, such great peals of thunder and such a heavy downpour of rain that neither Benedict nor his brethren could stir across the threshold of the place where they had been seated. “May God forgive you, sister. What have you done?” cried Benedict. “Well,” she answered, “I asked you and you would not listen; so I asked my God and he did listen. So, it came about that they stayed awake the whole night, engrossed in their conversation about the spiritual life.

Two

Jesus loved friendship

One of the most important things to Jesus is friendship. 

At the Last Supper he said to the Apostles, “I shall not call you servants any more, because a servant does not know his master's business; I call you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have learnt from my Father.”

He spent time in friendship with Martha, Mary and Lazarus. 

When he was about to enter into his agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, the one thing he wanted were a few friends to be with him.

And when St. Scholastica wanted to spend time in friendship and good conversation with her brother Benedict, but he would not listen, she turned to Jesus, and he granted her request. 

So, if friendship is so important to God, what is true friendship and how do we develop it? 

Three

Companionship 

Aristotle thought Friendship was the most important human good. And even if you had all other goods, you would never choose to live without friends.

According to Aristotle there are three kinds of friendship: Pleasant Friendship; Useful Friendships; Virtuous Friendship. 

A Pleasant Friendship is a relationship in which two people “have a good time” together.  What each sees and values in the other is that the other is the cause of some pleasure for himself. 

Then there is the Useful Friendship in which two people find one another useful for pursuing some common goal together. In this relationship, each receives some benefit from the presence or actions of the other, and this forms the basis of the relationship. Professional relationships are often useful friendships. The two exchange benefits with each other. But once the utility ends, so does the relationship. 

Neither the relationship of pleasure nor that of usefulness has all the qualities of a real friendship, a virtuous friendship. 

Two vital things are missing! 

First, the friend is not loved because of who they are, as a person of priceless value; he or she is wanted for something incidental, they are fun to be with or useful. 

Second, the friend is not loved for his good (for his sake) but rather for my sake, for what I get out of the relationship. We have all experienced this: He wasn’t really looking out for my good; She didn’t know or appreciate me for who I am. 

That is why we were never fulfilled by those lesser types of friendships. We longed for something more. 

Four

What True Friendship is

I think we can identify three qualities to true friendship: 

Unconditional: Unconditional love in friendship means valuing a friend not for their usefulness or how much we enjoy their company, but simply for who they are. We recognize their inherent goodness and cherish them without expecting them to change, fulfill our desires, or serve a purpose for us. Their very existence enriches the world, and we find joy in them as they are.

Demanding: Demanding love in friendship means truly valuing our friends for who they are while also desiring their growth and fulfillment. We see their inherent goodness but don’t want them to remain stagnant—we encourage them to reach their full potential, not out of selfish desire, but because we genuinely want what is best for them.

Transcendent: Friendship is a bond between two or more people who are united by a shared pursuit of something greater than themselves.

The key principle is that true friends are not merely focused on each other, but are bound together in their shared love for and pursuit of something beyond themselves.

In romantic relationships, two lovers stand face to face focused on each other.

In true friendships, we stand side by side, focused on a third reality, pursuing some good thing beyond us—whether that is God or physical health, family life, meaningful work, the pursuit of truth, or the appreciation of beauty.

Five

How to form true friendships 

If true friendship involves the common pursuit of good things like God, health, family, truth, beauty and doing good for others, then individuals must develop these things on their own. If we don’t, then we have nothing to contribute to the friendship. To be friends we have to have something to give and the capacity to receive. For both, we need to develop ourselves. 

Where do we begin: 

Cut out the things that are killing your growth as a person – basically the time we spend on screens: You Tube, shows, news, social media, games and porn. 

Replace it with what you really need.

Dedicate yourself to pursuing friendship with God in prayer, exercise, prepping and eating good food, work that is good for other people, the truth about God and the Catholic faith, but also truth about the created world, and beauty, which is the opposite of entertainment. 

But you can’t just focus on yourself. Take the initiative to invite others to do good things together: share a meal or good drink, walk in or do something in nature, go to the beach or the mountains, go on a pilgrimage together, or do some good work for others…

And while you are doing this good thing and afterward, talk about it, have some good conversation. 

Good conversation based on good common pursuits is the key to authentic and lasting friendships. 

If you enjoyed this meditation, subscribe below.