The Conversation 

Today we celebrate the feast of St. Scholastica, twin sister of St. Benedict.

St. Gregory the Great writes, “One day she came as usual, and her saintly brother went with some of his disciples; they spent the whole day praising God and talking of sacred things. As night fell, they had supper together. Their spiritual conversation went on and the hour grew late. The holy nun said to her brother: “Please do not leave me tonight; let us go on until morning talking about the delights of the spiritual life.” “Sister,” he replied, “what are you saying? I simply cannot stay outside my monastery.” When she heard her brother refuse her request, the holy woman joined her hands on the table, laid her head on them and began to pray. As she raised her head from the table, there were such brilliant flashes of lightning, such great peals of thunder and such a heavy downpour of rain that neither Benedict nor his brethren could stir across the threshold of the place where they had been seated. “May God forgive you, sister. What have you done?” cried Benedict. “Well,” she answered, “I asked you and you would not listen; so, I asked my God and he did listen. So, it came that they stayed awake the whole night, engrossed in good conversation about the spiritual life.”

Jesus loved friendship

One of the most important things to Jesus is friendship. At the Last Supper, He said to the Apostles, “I shall not call you servants any more, because a servant does not know his master's business; I call you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have learnt from my Father.”

So, if friendship is so important to God, what is friendship, and how do we develop it? 

Friendship is not about each other. Friendship is a bond between two or more people who are united by a shared pursuit of something greater than themselves. In true friendships, we stand shoulder to shoulder, focused on a third reality, pursuing some good thing beyond us. You might be running partners or hunting buddies, or the friendships that develop with colleagues as you work on long-term projects, or the deeper friendship with your spouse as you work together to raise kids.

C.S. Lewis wrote that friendship is unlike the romantic desire between a man and a woman, because friendship only really works when two friends are interested in something other than each other. 

Friends don’t just want to sit there absorbed in each other; they want to pursue a common goal together and talk about something they’re both interested in: whether that is God or physical health, family life, meaningful work, the pursuit of truth, or the appreciation of beauty.

So, friendship is never just about each other; it’s always about something else. That’s why, says Lewis, the poor people who “just want to make a friend” never can, because to just be interested in friendship isn’t enough to have friendship.

How to form true friendships 

If friendship is formed by the shared pursuit of some good thing, then I need to be forming myself in good things; otherwise, there is nothing to give and nothing to receive.

If we are going to be running partners, then I need to commit to running. If we’re going to be hunting buddies, then I need to own a gun and know how to shoot well. Otherwise, I have nothing to contribute. 

Where do we begin: You have to develop yourself. Dedicate yourself to pursuing good things, seek a deep friendship with God in prayer, exercise, prepare and eat good food, engage in work that is good for other people, and grow in knowledge about God and the good world around us. Experience real beauty through nature, literature, and music. Commit to learning skills like cooking, golf, or hiking.  

Take the initiative to invite others to do good things together: share a meal or good drink, walk in or do something in nature, go to the beach or the mountains, go on a pilgrimage together, or do some good work for others.

Have good conversation while you are doing these good things together. Good conversation based on good common pursuits is the key to authentic and lasting friendships. Cut out the things that are killing friendship, basically, the time we spend on screens. If you cut out screen time not related to fulfilling your responsibilities, you will get bored, and then you will do whatever it takes to form friendships. As long as you remain absorbed in screens, you will lose out on friendship. Because screens crowd out the attention and presence that friendship requires.

Again, friendship is where two or more people pursue together some other good thing. And if I want to participate, then I need to commit to pursuing good things so I can contribute to common pursuit and the friendship. 

Spiritual Friendship 

The deepest and most fulfilling friendships are formed when we pursue the greatest thing together: God, holiness, and helping others to heaven. We call that a spiritual friendship. And what is true of all friendships is true in spiritual friendships. I have to make the commitment to seek God through the sacraments and daily meditation with a resolution, removing sinful habits, growing in virtue, and pursuing the good things in life through a well-ordered and balanced life.

Only then will I have something to contribute to our shared pursuit of God and holiness, and only then will I be in a position to help you and you help me. If I want to be friends with a runner, then I need to run consistently. Likewise, if I want spiritual friendships, then I have to commit to the spiritual practices. It’s a pretty simple concept. 

Finally, if I want spiritual friendship

I need to take the initiative to invite and spend time with people who want the same goal. If we sit back and wait for others, it will never happen.

One of the best ways to develop spiritual friendship is to invite one or two or three people to pray the Rosary with you and have some good conversation after. You could use this podcast, print out the transcript, and read the meditation, or open the Bible and pick a passage from the life of Jesus, read it, pray, and ask the others what struck them. It’s as simple as that. That is what Teresa and I do every day, and that is why we have a fantastic spiritual friendship. 

So, as a resolution, what are the spiritual practices I need to make a greater commitment to so that I have something to share? Who are you going to invite to pursue God with you, maybe beginning with a Rosary group?

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