Episode Transcript  

One

The Cross at Home

St. Rita of Cascia was born in 1381 in central Italy. She wanted to become a nun, but her parents arranged her marriage to Paolo Mancini, a violent, bitter man caught up in local feuds. He had no love for Christ and no patience for Rita. He mocked her faith, lashed out in anger, and at times became physically abusive.

He was like a storm, easily provoked. She was like the rock, silent and faithful. She never retaliated. She stayed, prayed, and bore all things in love. Her patience softened his heart, and he repented. Then he was ambushed and stabbed to death on the road. Some say he struck first. Others say his enemies finally caught him. Either way, he was dead, and his sons wanted revenge.

Rita feared they would murder their father’s killers, so she begged God to either convert them or take them before they committed mortal sin. Within the year, both died of illness. It shattered her heart. But it saved their souls.

Two

The Peacemaker of Cascia

With her husband murdered and her sons buried, Rita didn’t grow bitter. She grew holy.

She forgave her husband’s killers and worked for peace between the feuding families. Then she made the request denied to her as a girl: to enter the convent. This time, the Augustinian sisters at Cascia opened their doors. She spent the next forty years in prayer, penance, and silence.

In time, she received a wound on her forehead, a thorn from Christ’s crown. Pope John Paul II said it was the visible sign of her “Christian maturity,” a mark of one who lived on the Cross with Jesus.

Rita didn’t escape her husband. She carried her cross all the way to Christ. As John Paul said, “Humility and obedience were the path Rita took to be ever more perfectly conformed to the Crucified One.” Her holiness wasn’t flashy. It was hidden in marriage, in grief, in daily forgiveness.

Near the end of her life, Rita, bedridden, asked her visiting relative to bring her a rose from her old garden. It was January. Roses don’t bloom in winter. But one had. They brought it to her bedside. The rose became her sign: hope in desolation. Love in suffering. God’s power in the impossible.

The rose blooming in winter became a symbol of her life: A sign of hope in desolation. Love blooming in suffering. And God’s ability to bring something wonderful out of impossibility. St. Rita is the patron saint of impossible causes, difficult marriages, abuse victims, parenthood, and infertility. 

Three

Difficult Marriages

If you are in a difficult marriage, we must consider a few things.

You may feel like you are being abused. But every sin is an abuse of God and of neighbor. That means both you and I are abusing our spouses and God continually by our sin. We need to stop and start loving as Christ loved. That is what we promised to do in our wedding vows. 

Every marriage faces hardship, misunderstanding, selfishness, pain. These require forgiveness and the Cross. But when sin crosses the line into grave harm, physical or emotional cruelty, the Church permits separation when one spouse endangers the other or renders life intolerable (CIC 1153 §1). The sacramental marriage bond remains intact, but living apart may be necessary. So, a civil divorce may even be tolerated when needed to secure legal rights or protect children (CCC 2383).

So we must be honest before God: Is this a cross to carry or am I or the children in grave danger? Healing may require separation. But always, Christ calls us to love with courage and truth.

The goal is not escape, but transforming union with Christ. And that always requires accepting the cross and loving the way Christ loved, truthfully, sacrificially, and with courage.

Four 

What would Rita do?

If you put St. Rita in your marriage, she could probably make it work. Why? Rita did not seek her ultimate happiness, identity, safety, and identity in her husband or her kids. She knew that God alone is the source of all happiness and nothing could separate her from the love of Christ crucified. For Rita, the way Christ, the Bridegroom, loved his bride, the Church, was her model.

Consider three snapshots of the way Christ loved: the Good Shepherd, the washer of feet, and the Crucified Savior. 

Jesus was the Good Shepherd who took the initiative. He didn’t wait for the lost sheep to get their life together and come to Him before He would love them. No, He took the initiative and made the first move to love. Love doesn’t mean having gushy feelings, it means to do what is good for the other. So we have to make the first move to love. As John of the Cross says, “Where there is no love, put love and you will draw love out.”

Second, Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, even the feet of Judas, His betrayer. Do we wash the feet of our spouse? Do we do the things that are good for them when we feel they don’t deserve it? Do we anticipate their needs and take action before they ask? 

Third, husbands and wives are both called to love each other as Christ loved us, through a total, sacrificial gift of self on the Cross. Just as Christ laid down His life for the Church, spouses are called to lay down their lives for one another. This mutual self-giving makes their union holy and reveals the mystery of God’s love to the world.

I’d bet if we put Rita into your marriage, she could make it work because she would love the way Christ loved us. 

Five

Most of our difficulty is due to our sin

If you’re in a difficult marriage, ask yourself: is the problem really just your spouse? Or is it just as much your own pride, selfishness, immaturity, and sin?

St. Teresa of Avila once wrote, “They brood over their woes and make up their minds that they are suffering for God's sake, and thus never really understand that it is all due to their own imperfection... they are still grieving about earthly things, and not very important things either.”

I recently spent four days with someone whose temperament is almost identical to mine. After two days, I thought, “This person is really hard to live with.” And then it hit me: I must be really hard to live with, too.

There have only been two sinless people in human history, Jesus and Mary. Neither you nor your spouse are one of them. Now consider this: maybe your spouse is perfectly designed by God to draw out of you the very virtues you lack. Maybe this is the path where sacrificial love will heal your soul and save it.

So, stop planning your escape. Stop brooding over your suffering. And do what John of the Cross says, “Where there is no love, put love—and you will draw love out.”

Suggested Resolutions:

Choose one resolution for today to help you grow closer to God, or create your own. Here are some ideas to inspire you.

• Look at the people in your life with whom you have the most conflict. In what ways can you change your own actions? Start by doing simple kind acts for them, even if they won’t show gratitude.

• Pray for your difficult loved ones. St. Rita was tireless in her prayer and sacrifice for her husband and sons. Even in the most difficult cases, don’t give up on praying for their souls.

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