Episode Transcript  

One

Love Your Enemies

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus taught, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, in this way you will be sons of your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:43–45

This is not a suggestion, but a test of whether we are truly Christian. Okay, sure, maybe the saints can do this, but how can we make this the expectation of the ordinary person?

God is love. To be united with God, we must become like Him. If we refuse to love, especially our enemies, we are refusing to become like God. Without love, we separate ourselves from God, who is love. If I refuse to love my enemy, I refuse to become like God.

You may think, "I don't have any enemies." That's probably true in one sense. No one is trying to kill you. But most of us have someone we resent. And the person we resent is the person we've made our enemy.

Two

Who Are Our Enemies? The People We Resent

In the original Greek, the word for enemies is “echthros” which means anyone who is in opposed or in conflict with me. An enemy is not just the person who fights me, but the person I refuse to love because I resent them. Our enemies are usually the people who wounded us, disappointed us, or failed us: a parent who neglected or wounded us, a spouse who disappointed or betrayed us, and friend who broke trust, a boss who overlooked or humiliated us, or a sibling who was domineering or we envied. Anyone who failed to give us the love, respect, or care we desired.

Inside my heart I say, "You owe me.” I make you my debtor. And once I make you my debtor, I have made you my enemy.

Three

What Is Resentment?

Resentment is the refusal to release someone from a debt we believe they owe us because they hurt us or failed to give us what we wanted or needed. Here is how resentment usually begins: Someone fails to give us what we think we deserve, love, affirmation, protection, or justice. Deep down, even without knowing it we feel and begin to think, “Because you failed me, I must not be worth loving.”

We experience this as shame, the fear of being unworthy or unloved. Instead of facing the pain directly (I feel unworthy), I move (displace) the focus onto the other person (You wronged me; you owe me). This is a defense mechanism. I defend myself from feeling shame by blaming the other, “You wronged me, the fault lies with you.”

While it feels protective, this resentment is poison. Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

Four

Why Resentment is Poison

Why is resentment like drinking poison? Instead of healing the wound through forgiveness, I hold onto the debt. That unresolved debt keeps the injury alive, as long as the debt remains, the pain remains. The wound triggers a fear, “Am I unlovable? Am I worthless?” This fear causes pain that becomes unbearable, so I try to escape it, I instinctively seek relief through destructive behaviors. Addictions to alcohol, drugs, pornography, or food numb the pain and offer a false comfort. Workaholism: I overachieve, trying to prove my value and silence my fear of unworthiness. Binge entertainment: I drown myself in media, distractions, and noise to avoid facing my wound. This causes emotional problems like anxiety, depression, rage, and bitterness.

Resentment can even lead to physical illness because chronic resentment activates the body's stress response, weakening the immune system and harming physical health. Because I won’t forgive, I can’t let go of the debt, so I can’t let go of the pain, and I try to escape the pain in all the wrong ways. As long as I hold onto the debt, I hold onto the pain.

Five

The Only Way Out: Find Identity in God and Release Others Through Forgiveness and Mercy

Resentment begins when we look to other people to give us what only God can give, our identity, our worth, and our happiness. When they fail us, reject us, or disappoint us, we begin to believe we are somehow less valuable. But our worth never came from them in the first place. It comes from God.

Once I know my this, I no longer expect other people to give me my identity, my happiness, or my peace. They owe me nothing. Only people who owe me can become my enemies. Once I release the debt, I release the enemy. That is what forgiveness is. It is not pretending the wrong never happened. It is releasing the debt I have been demanding they repay.

But Jesus calls us beyond forgiveness to mercy. He concludes His teaching by saying, "Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect," or as St. Luke records it, "Be merciful, as your Father is merciful." Mercy does more than release the debt. Mercy wills the good of the other. It prays for them, speaks well of them, and does good to them, not because they deserve it, but because God has been merciful to me.

This is true freedom. I need nothing from them. I have released the debt. I have released the enemy. And now I am free to love and become like God.

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